[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
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[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
tourist season