Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
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The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I think this should do it.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Sing it!
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
what?
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.