Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
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Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.