I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
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The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Hard not to take this personally
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.