Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
You Might Also Like
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
mathematically impossible
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.