My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
You Might Also Like
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
bout dat hot dog summer
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
For the orator and chef in all of us
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?