Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
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Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”