Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
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A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.