Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
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Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Comparing yourself to others
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Happy Friday
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?