I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
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Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
got so much cardio in today
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.