My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
You Might Also Like
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.