Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
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If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.