[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
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Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
The future is now.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.