Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
You Might Also Like
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.