me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
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my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..