Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
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Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*