Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
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A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I’m so full I could puke a horse
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Do not steal food from the science building!
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.