When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
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For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Running from your problems is cardio .
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Expect the unexporcupine.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.