I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
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Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
need him
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!