I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
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[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.