I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
You Might Also Like
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium