That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
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So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch