I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
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Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Sucks how every girl I鈥檓 interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I haven鈥檛 been to Target since February. I wonder how it鈥檚 even staying in business without me.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler鈥檚 Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
This is painfully accurate 馃槄
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what鈥檚 up! i didn鈥檛 know you liked groceries
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Trying
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.