*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
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Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Something Saturday.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company