She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
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How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
huge if true: the moon
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
My new favorite headline
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
FINE, I WON’T.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Finally a use for spoilers…
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.