My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
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“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing