Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
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It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day