The Book. The Movie.
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Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*