Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
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You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.