My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
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If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
accurate
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it