Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
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I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Who called it baking and not making love
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.