Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
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The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing