ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
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If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails