Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
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I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?