Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
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”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I was just discussing this with my cat
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.