I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
You Might Also Like
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.