To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
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Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
*serious situation*
My brain:
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
CRYING
United Steaks of America
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*