Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
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Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth