My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
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excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon