what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
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[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
ouch
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Monday Lisa
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.