spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
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me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
My first child will be named New Folder.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar