Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
You Might Also Like
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.