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I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
My dad would freak tf out!π€£π
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry youβre sick.β
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! Itβs actually quite tasty.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.