This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
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[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Happy Friday
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.