Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
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GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Not all heroes wear capes…
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.