the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
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The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse