My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
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Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
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Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
🏙👨🏼
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*