Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
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why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
based al yankovic
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I need better friends
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe