I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
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This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Growing up was a huge mistake
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff