It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
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Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?